As cliché as it can get, January Sadie would not believe where I am. My world was indeed turned upside down. I feel as though I have aged 10 years since January of 2024.
I was still a teenager in January, reaching for a dream that would never come to fruition. My past self yearned for a happy future, yet here I am in December with good and bad news for her.
I worked my first real job this year, and it changed me as a human. Teaching preschoolers is one of the most demanding jobs. Molding the future is an enormous responsibility, and I did well. I still love the French language, but it hurts a little every time I speak, like a little needle to my heart with each syllable. A little acupuncture may help me heal. To imagine a career as a French teacher pains me. I compromised so much in the past 2 years that I lost my path. I am still lost but determined to find the trail again.
My house burned down this year at 1 am on September 11th. Well, not my house, but my mother’s house. Everyone survived, but I will never forget the sight of the flames. I’d never felt so much heat and fear at once. I’ve lived in inconsistency for the past 3 months, from hotels to an Airbnb. Starting in January, we will rent a place for a bit, but I long for a place of my own. Not just an apartment but a real place. Friends, classes, true independence.
I’ve developed fears this year, something I hadn’t had problems with before. I fear fire for obvious reasons, but can still light my candles peacefully. I fear the uncontrollable nature of them. Though I will never leave a candle out of sight, I can't trust them much. I fear love, also for obvious reasons. I fear that I am too much or not enough alone. I fear relying on others, relying too much, and needing companionship. I hate being alone, and I believe that to be my greatest weakness. In this upcoming year of 2025, my goal is to feel comfortable within myself, without others. I am enough as I am. There is no need for the validation of others, even if I like the approval. I feel like a stray animal. A dirty stray that passersby cry for when they get back to their hotel but do nothing to help. In all honesty, I don’t need help. I want to be okay by myself, all alone. I’m a pack animal sent out to the woods on its own. Sleeping in a cave, hoping to find the answers I seek.
I remember learning about Native American vision quests as a child and wondering when I would go on mine. This is the perfect time, as I am transitioning to adulthood and seeking help. Although I cannot go into the woods and take peyote, even if I want to, I can focus on myself and find the meaning I seek in life. There may be no meaning to anything; perhaps we are alive for no reason other than chance. I don’t know what I fear more, being made to live or having no reason to.
Back on topic, my year was quite difficult. Coming to terms with my brain chemistry and its flaws is hard. I want nothing more than to be blissfully happy— not even happy, but content. If I were a sim, I would like my default emotion to be Fine, not Sad.
Growing up is solitude and learning to live with it.
As much as we like to believe that we have changed and evolved as a species, we have not. We yearn for love, friendship, and approval. We are pack animals at our core. I saw Interstellar in theaters for its 10th anniversary, and Brandt’s commentary on the science of love is so beautiful. Why do we love even after death? There is no evolutionary advantage to grief. Love is hard, but it is so fulfilling. I have yet to regret loving someone, nor will I feel shame for loving as hard as I do. I doubt there will ever be a day where I regret showing love to someone, even if they have done terrible wrong to me. Everyone deserves love, just as everyone loves.
No more chasing. No more crying over people who do not care. No more.
More self-love, more time off, more writing, more journaling.
More friends, more laughter, more creativity.
We are what we make of ourselves. So let’s make this next year everything we want and more—always more. Do not settle, I beg you.
If you feel alone, know I am here for you. LIFE IS EVERYTHING AND ALSO NOTHING. IT IS YOURS TO TAKE. TAKE IT AND HAVE NO REGRETS. LOVE AND LOVE FULLY. DO NOT HOLD BACK. We were not made to hold ourselves in.
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